A friend introduced me to an excellent new website when I was in college. She explained that I would need a .edu email address, and I would keep in touch with friends from other universities. It was called “The Facebook” back then, and it seemed like a secret online club. This was before anyone could join worldwide before the algorithms put us into information silos before social media dared to topple our society as we knew it. Ah, what an innocent time.
A Brief History of Boundaries
As Facebook blew up, with everyone joining, I started getting and sending friend requests from people I had met once at a party, whom I had gone to kindergarten with, or who were friends with my cousin’s grandma’s hairstylist. Before I knew it, I was following along in the daily details of my 500+ friends’ lives; privy to their most significant milestones, seeing what they ate for breakfast, hearing random thoughts that popped into their heads, and wacky political memes they liked. And they saw all of my daily details, too.
It started to occur to me how much I knew about these people online, whom I did not know in person. I started noticing how much time (and how many years!) I spent on this app, where I would scroll mindlessly and compulsively out of boredom. I started noticing how triggered, sad, or angry I felt as I engaged with endless vortices of content. After a couple of intense political election cycles and more education about how this technology emotionally manipulates us, I knew I needed to draw a line. I needed better boundaries around how I was spending my time, which I would allow into the details of my life, and better control my emotions related to the content I was consuming.
I set a boundary and quit Facebook a couple of years ago.
What are examples of boundaries?
Boundaries delineate, differentiate, and define one thing from another. They help us know where one thing ends and another begins. They help us know what belongs to another person and us. Boundaries help to protect and keep us safe. Our skin, for instance, is a boundary that keeps all our organs, bones, etc., intact and protected from the outside elements. Property lines, houses, and walls are boundaries that define and differentiate spaces. The space you put between you and another person is a boundary. What you are willing to do or not do, is a boundary. The word “no” is a boundary.
How do I find my boundaries?
Check-in with yourself and ask: Is this a yes for me or a no? A simple question, but not easy.
Our family of origin teaches boundaries. Let’s say you grew up in a home where parents did not respect your boundaries. This act taught you a clear lesson. Perhaps, if you experienced abuse or neglect, you learned a different lesson here. Many people have experienced not being listened to or misunderstood, punished for saying “no,” or infringing your physical and emotional space. These actions are how you learn where your boundaries are. You may be operating on old beliefs that it is selfish to ask for what you want and need, or it is rude to say “no” or have a different opinion.
Get curious about your anger and resentment, as these emotions often arise when our boundaries have been crossed. Start to notice how you feel throughout the day in different spaces, in the presence of different people, when presented with different choices. Notice what your preferences are. What feels exciting to move toward, and where do you want to push away. Notice what makes you want to say “Yes!” or “No!”
What does it mean to set boundaries?
Boundaries make clear what our limitations are. We have a precious amount of time and energy here on Earth, and we cannot physically give anything and everything unfettered access to our time, attention, space, money, etc. It is up to us to decide what and with whom we spend our time and energy. Knowing our limits of what we can and willing to offer allows us to show up and be fully in contact. When the limit has been reached, we know we have to disengage. If that contact starts making us uncomfortable, angry, resentful, or sad, it may mean that new boundaries need to be set. For instance, I am happy to get together with an old friend for an hour or two and catch up on our lives every so often, but I do not need to see every intimate photo from their last vacation on social media.
How do you set boundaries in a relationship?
The closer a relationship is to our inner circle, the trickier boundaries can become. As social beings, we can become easily influenced by another person’s emotional state. If we do not stay mindful and grounded in our own experience, we can mistake another person’s emotions, wants, and needs as our own. The confusion can happen for many reasons, and the solution will differ according to your need.
Here are a few steps to set boundaries:
- Check-in with yourself and ask: What am I feeling? What are my limits? What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do? What do I need to honor my integrity?
- Once you’re clear on your feelings and needs, use “I statements” to communicate this. For example, “I feel angry when you say you’re going to be home at 9 PM and you don’t get home until 3 AM. I need to know you’re safe so I can stop worrying and go to sleep. Would you be willing to call next time and let me know your plans have changed?”
You may need more space between you and another person in other instances. This space can take some experimentation as to how much distance–physical and/or emotional–you need to feel safe and like you can still be loving when in contact with this relationship.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphill.
If you would like to further explore recognizing and setting boundaries, reach out and schedule a free 30 minute-consultation with Ariana Griffith.