Relationship Counseling
Is there a part of you that is feeling disconnected from your partner?
Are you tired of the amount of conflict in your relationship? I bet you have tried to find ways to communicate with your partner, but they don’t seem available. Does it seem like you’re constantly arguing and talking in circles with little input from your partner? The conflict has undoubtedly kept you up at night and even offered you sleepless nights. I’m willing to bet you’ve tried talking with your friends, but their only heartless advice is “Leave them!” How insensitive.
People who do not have good relationships cannot see how much these connections inspire us to be better people. Furthermore, they cannot see how painful the thought is to leave someone who doesn’t see us. When our relationship is going well, we feel connected. When we are not connected, we experience dread and loss. We tend to personalize this loss as an individual character flaw rather than understanding we are two people trying to be in one relationship.
What most people who do not have relationship conflict do not understand is this can be debilitating. Anxiety, fear, and depression are all found at the root of relationship conflict. Indeed, you’ve thought of what life would be like if you decided to end your relationship. The idea brings momentary excitement, followed by instant dread and pain. The pain of “I’ll end up like my parents,” or “I’ll never find love,” or even “Am I too damaged to be loved?”
Conflict is more common than you think
Conflict is a prevalent aspect of our daily lives, particularly within our relationships. The challenge lies in finding someone with whom we can spend quality time and establish a harmonious connection. However, when our needs go unmet in these relationships, conflicts tend to emerge.
Our differences can often bring us together. Whether it’s shared interests, similar views, or aligned political beliefs, we feel a sense of connection. Opening up and being vulnerable allows us to feel seen by our partner. However, when less favorable differences come to light, we often become triggered and struggle to effectively address these disparities. We shut down emotionally and physically, feeling disregarded and unheard.
The internet is rife with divorce statistics, and it’s unnecessary to delve into them here. If you’re interested, you can find more information on the topic elsewhere. What’s important to note is that relationships often require time and practice to navigate the triggering differences. Addressing these aspects can be as common as discussing finances. Unfortunately, many households avoid conversations about these triggers, fearing that such discussions will lead to further disconnection. However, true disconnection arises when we fail to engage in healthy conflict or allow violence to infiltrate our relationships.
A Trusted Counselor Can Help You
The good news is, most conflicts do not have to escalate to a level where the relationship feels threatened. Instead, conflict can instill trust and create intimacy if done right. Think of a few aspects that make your best friends your best friends. Do they listen or argue with you? Do they see you? Dr. John and Judy Gottman have studied relationships for the last 30 years. What they have uncovered is relationships often thrive in conflict and differences. However, what is needed is a strong foundation of safety and security.
When safety and security become relationship values, safety and security can create intimacy. Both physically and emotionally. Mature emotions and physical safety help us let our guard down, trust or even be open. When we feel seen, we feel heard. When I trust you, I see you. When you hear me, I connect to you.
Our therapists (provider link) have advanced training in couples counseling and relationship dynamics. What we offer is a safe, non-judgmental place for your relationship to explore some of these old patterns that manifest and co-create ways to discover healthy connection patterns. Heck, you might even find healthy ways to engage with conflict. After all, if you are in conflict with someone you know won’t hurt you, you’re probably more willing to be vulnerable and open. Remember, vulnerability and openness connect; angry conflict creates disconnection.
When working with us, you and your partner will co-create ways to communicate, solve conflict, and heal damages. These damages could be from 10 years ago or two days ago. How we deal with relationship conflict is similar to how we’ve handled all disagreements. This pattern will need to be changed. For example, let’s imagine there’s a time in your relationship where you didn’t feel heard. Maybe your partner rolled their eyes or just didn’t listen. Flash forward to today, you’re probably still hanging on to that. The fear of being vulnerable is where you take yourself out of the relationship. We need to change this. We want to help co-create ways to get you back in there and enjoy your relationship.
If we seek couples counseling, does that mean our relationship is over?
Not at all! Typically, the relationship feels so strained, almost unbearable, but it’s a perfect place to start in reality. Starting with the prickly pieces is often the best place to engage. Maybe the way you have been connecting can be seen as “over.” That’s ok; this portion didn’t work anyway, right? Many people seek couples counseling and have lots of success. The relationships that fizzle after couples counseling were possibly never meant to be anyway. Relationships take time to cultivate. Let’s find new ways to connect.
I’m nervous the therapist will take my partners’ side.
Nervousness is a common fear we hear. Usually, this comes from a previous negative experience that left someone feeling not heard or seen. Unfortunately, this is due to a therapist’s lack of experience. The paradox is, they have to start somewhere. When working with us, we ensure both partners have an equal say in their experience. In doing this, we offer space to discuss pain and longing, desires, fears, and hopes. It’s All grist for the mill as we say, and we want to encourage you to bring you and all your you-ness!
It’s time to reach out and get real results
Are you ready to end the cycle of sleepless nights, fights that last for eternity, and angry disconnection? Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to learn what makes your partner tick and how to tell them what makes you tick?
Contact us here to learn how we can support you. Check out our providers here to see who would be a good fit to help you co-create the relationship you desire and deserve!